3926 : Chilli Funk

The other day, I was sitting with you, both of us waiting for our dinner. The server got us a plate of salad, essentially just onions. You gave me your smirk, and sheepishly said "Can you request him to include some cucumber and tomatoes too?"

I politely looked at the server and mumbled something. In turn, he understood the request and in a few minutes got a large plate including chillies.

As we were chomping on the veggies, you said, "Do you mind eating one chilli for me?"

I could not contain my incredulity. "Why?"

"For me. Please. Pretty Please.", you said with mischief dancing on your forehead.

Always game for rando craziness, I picked the largest chilli on the plate (the largest is always the mildest)....and chewed it slowly. Only by the last bite, did my poor tongue scream back at me "Fuck you, imbecile idiot. What are you trying to do?"

To silence my tongue, and its french, I drank a large glass of water.

After a few minutes, as we still waited for the food, you said, "One more please?. Come on goldy."

Who the fuck is "goldy" now?

I looked around totally perplexed. And loudly said "Fuck off".

"One more, and my offering to this new place, would be complete." you smiled awkwardly and said. "Really, this is so near Kailash. I wanted to do this for Shivji."

"Jerk - shouldn't you eat, its your offering?"

You continued smiling and imploring "please" with your looks and a large pout, that almost embarassed the shit out of me.

With great trepidation, I chose another large one. In preparation, requested the server for a piece of jaggery. Then I proceeded to eat the green poison....this time chewing as little as possible.

As I finished, gulped the water and hungrily sucked on the jaggery....you purposefully stood up, majestically walked around the table. Am sure everyone noticed. In full view, you pecked me and loudly announced, "you are such an absolute dear".

And my ears heard "deer".

Boom boom. In that moment, I knew the real you. 

Sita.

3925 : Sound

There is no sound.
Absolutely nothing.

Hear your smirk.
Witness my loss.

Feel the length of noise.
Miss the bauble of the beat.

Anticipate that turn and whack.
Internalise that boom.

Without you.
There is a deafening silence.

3924 : The moon

The other day, you lovingly said, I am your moon. 
Poets adore the moon. But....

Does it occur to you, that the moon has craters that people mistake for a rabbit.
Does it occur to you, that the moon has an invisible side, that people mistake for the dark side.
Does it occur to you, that the moon can sometimes cause the total eclipse of the light in your life. 

The more you see of me, you might realise that the moon is nothing but a fancy piece of rock.

3923 : The story shifts

Ten years ago, I genuinely believed I had a future.
Today, I am convinced I have a past.

3922 : One step

Remember at the temple 

You and I walked in step

Sometimes you ahead

Sometimes my feet locked up

You said, I should pray to the Lord for "us"

Did I tell you - I am an atheist

And yet, I did pray

To a Lord, who does not exist

A wind blew against us

Your hair splayed like fire

At one point

You instinctively held my hand

You probably wanted some support

Or you thought I was going to fly away

I laughed and said "One step away"

"From total desire" 

Today, the roads are same

I have somehow reached a cul de sac

I definitely missed a step somewhere

Can we backtrack?

The Lord smiles at me

"Still an atheist?"

You are long gone

Today as the wind blew, I feel your hair again.

3921 : Dugg Duggi Dugg from Jugni

 For me this song is the find of the year, of the past 2-3 years.

The poetry (by Shellee), singing by Vishal, music by Clinton Cerejo.....this has to be hands down the most meaningful composition I have heard it in recent years.

I could have bet a large sum, that this was Gulzar - and bloody hell, I could not have been more wrong.

I am sure, I will love this song, till my deathbed.

Do listen, its the best thing you would do yourself. On loop. Forever.

3920 : Lost

In recent months, I have often felt rudderless - with a huge wave of hopelessness in me. The last time I struggled like this was over 22 years ago, and it did not end well then.

A foreboding. A forebrooding.

These are times I should not drive. (No, not that I am unsafe), but its just that these drives amplify the zen conflicts in my head.

Loss. Losing. Lost.

3919 : Driving

Driving clears up the mind. I have been driving for the past 4 days, 2 more days to go. Intense driving.

Point is...Nothing. 

Have had too much time to think and mentally detox.

Everything I hold precious is disintegrating around me, and that hurts me immensely. Seeing the world around me slowly sliver away, and with it, my own possibilities.....truly and utterly deflates me.

Its like seeing death at close quarters and recognizing that life is all about one thing. Dying. That is indeed the only certainty.

Similarly - moving adrift seems so akin to our intrinsic relationships.

Sounds like a rant, isn't it? It is.

3918 : Old age

I have spent the past week with people older than me. 

Our elders teach us the world, one inch at a time. Not by expounding but by living. 

Watching your elders at close quarters is at most times a blessing.

 

3917 : 52

A pack of cards.

A year of being moonless.

52 weeks.

52 players.

You were the Ace of Hearts.

I held onto my spade.

Today, I feel like the Joker.

3916 : Reading list 2022 : #12 Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut

Loved this little gem of a book. A strange fictional memoir. 

And yet, I loved this book so much. Read it for the strange melancholy that transcends this book and Vonnegut's writings. The strange loss of knowing that nothing might actually eventually matter. 

At 338 pages brings my 2022 total to 3431 pages.

Do read this book and be charmed in writing lessons. How to write so well, that it almost looks effortless.

3915 : Reading List 2022 : #11 Breakfast of champions by Kurt Vonnegut

Reading Kurt Vonnegut after almost a decade and loving it totally again.

Seeing it in a different light, esp the exaggerated tongue in cheek. The light hearted and yet apt digs at American (and our) suburban life. And the illustrations are lovely.

At 303 pages brings my 2022 total to 3093 pages.

A most definite read.