Sunday, September 06, 2020

2913 : Rage 2

Rage is usually altering and searing for me. Like today "someone" had moved some of my personal effects. It bothered me, not because they were mine, but rather they were important documents. 

Something in me snapped. I no longer want to be attached to my "important" documents. I will never ever be able to be speak about these again. I want to be able to give up these "attachments". Something in me switches. 

Its almost like you can't unsee the worst of you. Once you have seen the worst of yourself - you are stuck....that new low is the new baseline.

Like I have this practice of hugging my dear ones and telling them that they "mean a lot to me". One day,someone told me that I possibly don't mean any of it - and was possibly correct. It was like a Zen Koan moment for me. In that moment I had clarity. This was many many moons ago. That day something snapped. I saw the Zen truth in what the other person was telling me.

Its many years, and till today I cannot tell others that I "love them" or "care for them" with a hand on heart. I just cannot. I cannot unsee that possibly I have little or no follow through.

I snap and I can never join again. Broken litter.

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