That morning, as Draupadi looked at Yudhistra she knew that he had been weeping. As they sat wordlessly sipping the hot tulsi tea, she looked at him with the respect that one accords the eldest in the family, and slowly spoke.
"Dharmaraja, how long will you continue to wallow in your pain? You think you have made mistakes. I know you have made mistakes. Your brothers think often about the mistakes too. And yet...unlike them, you seem to be consumed by this endless meditation, of what could have been? Am I reading you wrong? I can see your eyes. It looks like they did not sleep a wink, and conversely they probably leaked a complete ocean. Why?"
"My dear Panchali, I am a victim of my own little multiplicity. I am responsible for what I have become. I look at my life and realise how easy it was for me to be happy, to keep all of you happy - and yet, how easily I have brought all of you to the brink of this forest. My wayward ways have brought this upon all of you. Can I reverse a day of my madness? Can I put the hand on my heart and claim to true to my dharma?"
"Dear Raja, more than dharma, this is our karma. Is it not? You chose to gamble. We chose to be on your side. I could have asked for the entire world back, when I was given the option, and yet, in my anger, I frothed like the Goddess and almost cursed them. Are we all not responsible for what we have become? And yet, I want to fight this nihilism off, my own fatalism off - I look forward to being the Queen one day. And for that one day, I will live everyday today, and I will learn everyday to move another inch towards winning. Winning the world, the land, the "us" and most importantly the "me" back from from this life. Thats what keeps me going."
"Panchali, you are wise. I wish I had your wisdom and poise. I have neither. I am on the frayed edges of time."
"Raja, you are becoming more and more inward. You are becoming a magnet for unhappiness. Its almost as if you are so looking forward to be being unhappy. You seek the worst in me, the worst in yourself, the worst within us, the worst within the situation and then infinitely rehash and meditate on me. Start the process of winning back your inches."
"Sweetheart, I am built like that. I need to meditate on these matters, to know the subtle nuances of each aspect of dharma that I have flouted. This meditation is my punishment and is an essential part of my recuperation."
After a long wistful pause, he further added "The healing you are referring to can start anytime. Healing starts whenever we are ready. Unfortunately I am not ready yet."
"Dharmaraja, how long will you continue to wallow in your pain? You think you have made mistakes. I know you have made mistakes. Your brothers think often about the mistakes too. And yet...unlike them, you seem to be consumed by this endless meditation, of what could have been? Am I reading you wrong? I can see your eyes. It looks like they did not sleep a wink, and conversely they probably leaked a complete ocean. Why?"
"My dear Panchali, I am a victim of my own little multiplicity. I am responsible for what I have become. I look at my life and realise how easy it was for me to be happy, to keep all of you happy - and yet, how easily I have brought all of you to the brink of this forest. My wayward ways have brought this upon all of you. Can I reverse a day of my madness? Can I put the hand on my heart and claim to true to my dharma?"
"Dear Raja, more than dharma, this is our karma. Is it not? You chose to gamble. We chose to be on your side. I could have asked for the entire world back, when I was given the option, and yet, in my anger, I frothed like the Goddess and almost cursed them. Are we all not responsible for what we have become? And yet, I want to fight this nihilism off, my own fatalism off - I look forward to being the Queen one day. And for that one day, I will live everyday today, and I will learn everyday to move another inch towards winning. Winning the world, the land, the "us" and most importantly the "me" back from from this life. Thats what keeps me going."
"Panchali, you are wise. I wish I had your wisdom and poise. I have neither. I am on the frayed edges of time."
"Raja, you are becoming more and more inward. You are becoming a magnet for unhappiness. Its almost as if you are so looking forward to be being unhappy. You seek the worst in me, the worst in yourself, the worst within us, the worst within the situation and then infinitely rehash and meditate on me. Start the process of winning back your inches."
"Sweetheart, I am built like that. I need to meditate on these matters, to know the subtle nuances of each aspect of dharma that I have flouted. This meditation is my punishment and is an essential part of my recuperation."
After a long wistful pause, he further added "The healing you are referring to can start anytime. Healing starts whenever we are ready. Unfortunately I am not ready yet."
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