For years I have been obsessed about lying and the business of truth, but not in the mk Gandhi sort of way. He seemed obsessed with a literal definition of absolute truth.
I have been grappling it more in the yudhistra, gurucharan das manner of speaking. For the best part of the last 10 years, this has been a meditation that has taken a lot of my mind space. And I have to admit I am far from arriving at a conclusion.
The truth I seek and see is more akin to "dharma" than the absolute definition of the an absolute truth....and yet dharma is one of most impossible and difficult meditations to resolve.
What dharma suggests is that in most cases, there is am absolute version of what is correct. Especially when applied with the context. As am example, dharma when applied with my context might tell us that euthanisa is the way to go, while applied with you context might say that the answer is wrong.
This is where dharma become a meditative bother right. Knowing what is right in every circumstance, which yudhistra was supposedly such a champ at, is not just difficult, it is also tiresome to sometimes conclude.
And that's been my obsession. To be the yudhistra in my own eyes, and more importantly to be able be differentiate and distinguish.
With years of practice, I thought I had become a very honest (not in the literal sense...but in the intellectual sort of way).....person.
But in the recent years and times, I find myself lying. I find myself lying, because I am not allowed to talk the truth. The culture of silence that the world encourages, also means that we never are allowed to speak the uncomfortable truths. Not just not speak, but also not acknowledge.
As an example, I cannot walk upto someone at the firm I work and say honestly that his design for the problem completely sucks. I cannot say this not because I don't possess the intellectual honesty or the intellectual acumen to differentiate, but I cannot say it because saying it would mean I would break some charades, and that would destroy some facades between the four walls of an office.
It kills me know that I live and exist in a false world. That is one realisation that constantly gnaws at me in my personal world and my professional world too.
A world that does not allow me to be honest, especially in a safe sort of way, I am inclined to reject it. I am inclined to slowly withdraw from it, and choose seclusion over a world that is not safe.
I am bothered, in the last few days and months, because there are clear instances where I have had to prioritize lying over the dharma. This is a very soul nibbling situation in the real world.
I need a quick escape from this, else over time, it will kill my soul, just like a cancer would kill the physical body.
This is the new age cancer, and I want to fight it again, just like I once did.
Soon something shall give.
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