That day, almost at midnight, we hunted down a pack of cigarettes from a source - almost like two junkies desperate for our next fix.
You had this wild side to you, you would always say, "if we cannot find a pack when we want it, what is the fking chance, that we will find our desire or happiness. Its one way to definitely know, the dice are loaded from the start.". Almost as if, this was your bellwether test for how probability odds are stacked up.
We found a few chairs in that middle of the deserted alien town. We lit up our first lines.
You inhaled and sighed and said with a huge sardonic smile, "Today we survived in this war. Tomorrow we shall fuck the enemy."
I played along, "What if, you are my enemy?"
She laughed the skinniest laugh - and said "Thats the most slithery pick up invite I have heard. Dork. ". Thats when it occurred to me, that it could be an apt pick up line too. My original driver was just trying to be poetic....and here I was - having shot off one hot line from the quiver.
I smiled along. "Maybe. So?"
"Nerdy Nitin.....When you want something, ask for it - like a puppy who canoodles you for a slice of your breakfast plate. Make it obvious. Don't come sideways. Most things cannot handle a side impact.". She paused and smiled and said, "Frontal or rear might still work."
"What if, all I want is the enemy to look at me, one gaze before she kills me?"
We lit out second light - each of us. Something I had just said, made her flinch, I was not sure what it was. Was willing to wait for the night to reveal the darkness.
She spoke, "Is that what you really want?. The look. Roxette fan, eh?"
I broke into a loud guffaw and bear hugged her. That moment further melted both of us.
As we rested on each other, silence ensued, and we were onto 3rd soon. Both staring into the exhaled smoke.
I said, "You know, I could easily spend this night, just finding patterns in your smoke. I wish I had the camera to capture the smoky world you just puffed away."
"What do you see in that haze?"
"I see a 40 year old behaving as if she was 16."
"I am older."
"You are a fking teenager. Thats all I know. You would hungrily make out, if life offered a chance."
She laughed and lovingly rested her head on my chest and said, "That I would do anyday". Post a significant pause, she added, "I could never build my life the way I wanted to. So today I do make out, just to get a semblance of control back."
"Fking convulted."
"Asshole, fk you. Have you ever lost in love? Or in life?"
"Do I look like Alexander the Great?"
She smiled wickedly and said, "You look like Champak the Chu****"
I laughed and stared into her. She was looking ahead into her smoke. We were onto the 5th each by now.
She spoke, "Sometimes all you want in this life, is for someone to look at you with love. Actually, let me correct that, you want someone, you love, to look at you with love. Not even to love you back. Just look back into you.....and you know, how fking hard that can be?"
She stubbed her stick with finality, that "this soiree is now over".....Looked at me deep in my eyes, and smiled with deep love and endearment...and then added, "You have no idea how far I would go, if I could somehow get him to look at me with love. Just for that single gaze."
She tugged my jacket and we started the long desolate walk back to our rooms. My hand on her shoulders, she arms around my back. Two free radicals, staring out of the trenches, with our hammers all cocked up. Remember, we had to fuck the enemy tomorrow.
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