As I grapple with these times and the immense sense of loss, I also feel low - down and sometimes completely gearless. Neutral as they would say for a car. And unless I am facing downhill - the car won't move on its own, but think again, if it's downhill and steep slope - being in neutral is your ultimate death wish.
There is also a feeling that I am losing friends. Literally and figuratively. I am losing my sense of rudder with them.
I am struggling as I confront my own mortality - and possibly of those around me. It feels like an NDE (near-death experience).
Yet, it also feels bizarrely calm. The calm that comes from knowing that I have to walk this road, till the end of the road. I have to. If I don't, I will be forever moored in this make-believe cul de sac.
I am at a complete loss to make conversation with friends, loved ones. I see myself as someone who is withdrawing inwards. Into the shell of my own echo chamber.
Nothing seems clear on a day like today. And yet, it still feels real - more real than other possibilities.
Lost and without a compass....this story does not begin till I reach the end of this road.
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