Wednesday, December 30, 2020

3057 : Tere bin dil nahin lagda dolna

That's the post :-)

A loud overwhelming feeling.

3056 : Longing by NFAK and Michael Brook

Listening to "Longing" from the Night Song album by Ustad Nusrat FAK and Michael Brook. I have heard this for over 23 years. I still have two copies of the CD :-).

Will remain one of my all-time favorites.

Watch the video. You will fall in love with NFAK and Pakistan too. Such a similar culture....its foolish to be thwarting them away. Their music is ours too, their food is ours too.

3055 : A blessed life

 In recent weeks have watched two movies with older actors. "AK vs AK" and "The Midnight Sky", and I loved Anurag Kashyap, Anil Kapoor, and George Clooney.

Also as I saw the movies, I realized how blessed these souls might be. Not at all because of their monies or wealth, but because of their intellectual curiosity, their passion for life....and just having so many folks in life to intellectually spar with.


3054 : Take stands

In recent weeks, one of my fav authors Meena Kandaswamy is being trolled on Twitter, and I know she is on the "correct" side. My heart beats with her.

And in these days, moments I want to take sides. I want to take stands.


I also know that taking sides in a battle of empty gunshots - is nothing more than flag signaling. Means nothing, will never mean anything.


3053 : Shiny happy people

I sometimes hit the gym (I know that sounds like a hippo who says he does 400m slapdash on the Olympic pool....oxymorons exist....esp in 2020 :-))

And I am fascinated to see young individuals and young couples. Everyone wearing "under armor", extremely fit, always focussed with their protein drink in their shaker. Laughing, joking, flirting with each other.

I feel very out of place - as this pudgy potbellied, double-chinned white-haired geek. 

And in those moments I feel very introspective. Have I been chasing the wrong things in life all along?

Is the purpose of this life to achieve something - or to experience something?

Both of these don't have to be always in the crosshairs, but most often they are.

I truly meditate on what life is, on what it could be, and what it should be.

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

3052 : Rise by Herb Alpert

 Rise by Herb Alpert is a composition that I truly love. 

I am listening to it, as I write this.

Love the way it uplifts (my) mood.

If I could ever create a legacy like this for the universe, I would be truly proud of myself. 

3052 : 2021 and listening

 Another pseudo resolution will listen to a lot more Jazz, and a whole lot of classical music.


That's the post.

Monday, December 28, 2020

3051 : 2021 and reading

 2020 has been hard on me. A lot of critical relationships are breaking down, my own sense of purpose is sometimes on the edge.....and I realized how little I know of the world around me.

I don't make resolutions or am wise enough to know how symbolic that nonsense can be.

But if there were one, it's about reading.....I want to read more and more.

I want to look inward more and more. Like a tortoise who withdraws into his shell.

3050 : Embers

 I am struggling immensely with personal disruptions. Whenever my rhythm is lost, I lose my glide path, and coming back to it - takes an effort. 

Silence and alcohol helps :-)

3049 : Ask the horse

 Came in via twitter, but loved it enough to post around it.

Roughly translated as

"Dont ask the ironsmith, how it feels to taste (deal with) iron,

Instead ask the horse, who bites the (iron) harness and is controlled by it."

3048 : In the air tonight

 I borrow the title from the Phil Collin's classic :-).

I recently drove about 1300 kms and about 27 hrs in a span of 3 living days. Driving clears my mind. But as it clears the mind, it also brings to the foreground long-suppressed emotions, clarity, and wisdom. And then it becomes a duel between my urban self which is carefully caricatured versus my raw self which is just me.

Travel especially long-haul flights or long drives always upset my tip-toe balance. And it feels like (almost always) that the house that Jack built might come crashing down.

Almost always I tell myself, that maybe next time I should not undertake these long drives, but I know it's a drug that I need to get high on.

It's my urban meditation.

Monday, December 21, 2020

3047 : How to get groovy on any day

 Choose your fav soundstage. Marshall is my poison. (I love Marshall because it is balanced on the tinny trebly side, and I can hear different instruments and voices.....also the spatial geometry is great)

And load up Kavita Sheth's Bombay Dreams (artist listed as KSHMR) and play it loud.

In the first 20 seconds, you shall be foot tapping. Totally addictive meshy music.

And Miss Sheth's voice is silky as ever. 

3046 : Kashmir by Led Zeppelin

Listening to Kashmir by Zeppelin on a good music system can uplift you on the worst of the days. What a magical riff the song has. 

Try and listen to the version from "No Quarter" - which I like more than the original. No quarter was an album by Jimmy Page and Robert Plant (both band members).

Operatic, bass crushing, and soul uplifting. Video below.

This version is totally maniacal.

Sunday, December 20, 2020

3045 : Delicate sound of insecurity(ies)

 I do have more than my ton of things that I don't like to confront (is that a good definition of insecurity?)

One of my biggest ones is to probably outlive my children. I know I will immensely struggle with that.

Cant write more on this, my brain stalls even as I think around this topic. That's how much of a black box this fear is to me.

3044 : Political Indignation

 Slightly un-related to previous posts.

I am wary of political indignation in myself and others too. In my head its a dis-respect of democracy. Let me explain. You elect someone. She mucks up. You are up in arms and indignation. Does not help. Get the drift?

If you let your son make a choice, say to be an architect. He mucks it up. Indignation won't help. What will help is some ways of constructive dialogue, especially if those channels are open. It not, try and put energies into opening them.

Indignation (political) is the kind of interference we all do when we micro-manage our team players. Never helps.

If you want a real change or a real positive spinner, then push for reforms wherein better candidates are elected, wherein democracy has better checks and balances. 

Indignation in most cases is deeply un-democratic. It just does not seem so, because you have already chosen a side.

3043 : Indignation

 Indignation at anything means you agree that someone/something is "the fucked cause" of your "wretchedness". 

That shifts the control of the narrative from "me" to "you".

And that's why I watch out for indignation in myself. Because I don't want to lose my basic happiness. 

Do I ever get indignant? All the time. With everyone.

Awareness is never a salve for habit.

Friday, December 18, 2020

3042 : Our internal narratives

As I said 4 years ago I had a blooper. A big one at that. Almost took me out. 
When I look back I know I goofed up. Totally and singularly. 

And yet...when I sometimes hear others talk about their challenges. (Different from my example above).
I find them changing the narrative, almost rationalizing. Like someone I know thinks he is always stuck with arsehole bosses...someone else thinks that their life sucks because their partner is a difficult person. 

My point is I am sure in all of these transactions there were axe holders.

I tell myself that we control nothing. We are our own prisoners. I know I goofed up totally 4 years ago. Changing the narrative is a slippery slope.

3041 : Exuberance

Today at Hiranandani Powai.... I saw a young couple. Both in their early twenties. Guy plump with a pink shirt and denim and girl with flowery red one-piece small top-skirt. 

Both were eating ice cream off their cones. But they were also playful, fighting, pausing, laughing out aloud....and jump walking....which is start stop start stop.

I was mesmerized by their love and their Joie De Vivre. 
This is what life is meant to be. This is what all our lives can be. This is all that our lives should be.

Thursday, December 17, 2020

3040 : 4 years of looking inward

Four years ago, I had an incident. 

As a result of that setback, I struggled. As a response to the struggle, I started looking inward, to measuring life for what it is, then what a global or a social yardstick would be.

Am I better off? I think yes.

Am I out of the woods? No. Still struggle.

I have come to realize the Buddhist truism, that every setback is a teacher. It hugely helps you evolve.

Would I wish my setback on someone? Never. Though I think it helped me, my answer is Never.

Would I wish this on myself? My rational self says YES, and my selfish self says NO.

There everyone knows how weak I am.

3039 : The fantastic brain

My friend and I are walking in the parking of a mall. She is down and not feeling great. She is telling me about a decision related to her job - and how she wants to startup. We pass by a BMW and she changes gear, and asks mischievously "when is your beemer coming in?".

My mind is still stuck on the startup comment, and I vacuously give a blank answer. Just a nod. Whether for the startup comment or for the beemer she will never know. Meanwhile, I remember thinking, "she just needs to take the plunge. here she goes again, endlessly regurgitating her present options."

At that point - someone kicks me hard (my son) and I wake up with a start. I am dreaming. But the dream was as lifelike as real. Including the way, I had rationalized her comment in my head. Her dressing style, her speaking style, her "ragging" me over the car........perfectly re-created by the brain.

How many times have all of us been truly mesmerized by this blowout feature of our brains?

3038 : Beamed out

 I have decided that unless I have to, I am not going to buy an expensive car. Something which had originally featured as a life goal about 10 years ago. The Beemer 3 series was on my wish list. I could not afford it then.

And now I have decided I don't want it. 

And now (repetition), yesterday, my neighbour (not the same "dog" one, but the more "vain" one), bought a new X5.

The new 2020 X5 is a total stunner. The car is parked next to mine, and every single day I spend a good 10 seconds looking at it. 

I still don't want a new car, but I am beginning to appreciate what true beauty and art might look like.

Lifetimes 5 :-) beamed out.

3037 : The fortune of being "me"

 Our neighbor adopted a dog off the street. About 3 months ago. She used to feed strays in the complex, and she still does. One of the strays began tailing her more and more and eventually, she ended up adopting him.

A few existential questions waft in my head 

- do the other dogs envy this dog, or pity him?

- will some other strays who also want to be adopted begin to go tail this lady too?

- will this lady become like a "mother Teressa type" savior angel in our complex's dog community?

That's the post.

Sunday, December 13, 2020

3036 : Heavy by Tom Clark

 Bumped into this via twitter. Totally loved it.


When the gods die

the myths 

are lifted off our backs.

Peace be with them.

They were heavy.

3035 : Run Around by Blues Traveller (what fab writing at its best)

 Oh, once upon a midnight eerie

I woke with something in my head
I couldn't escape the memory
Of a phone call and of what you said
Like a game show contestant with a parting gift
I could not believe my eyes
When I saw through the thoughts of a trusted friend
Who needs to humor me and tell me lies, yeah humor me and tell me lies
And I'll lie too and say I don't mind
And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Well, what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully
But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up?
When all it does is slow me down
Shake me and my confidence
About a great many things
But I've been there I can see it cower
Like a nervous magician waiting in the wings
Of a bad play where the heroes are right
And nobody thinks or expects too much
And Hollywood's calling for the movie rights
Singing "Hey babe, let's keep in touch", hey baby, let's keep in touch
But I want more than a touch I want you to reach me
And show me all the things no one else can see
So what you feel becomes mine as well
And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine, the fishing's fine
And it doesn't have to rhyme, so don't you feed me a line
But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up?
When all it does is slow me down
Tra la la la la bombardier, this is the pilot speaking
I've got some news for you
It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop
And there ain't a whole lot that you can do
Oh sure the banner may be torn and the wind's gotten colder
Perhaps I've grown a little cynical
But I know no matter what the waitress brings
I shall drink it and always be full, yeah I will drink it and always be full
Oh I like coffee and I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
I still got this dream that you just can't shake
I love you to the point you can no longer take
Well all right okay, so be that way
I hope and pray that there's something left to say
But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down?
Oh you
Why you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down?

3034 : Kisi Nazar Ko Tera Intezaar aaj bhi hain from Aitbaar

I have loved this song for over 30 years if not more. My brother introduced me to this song. He had (has) great taste in music.

Sung by Bhupinder, lyrics by Hassan Kamal and music by Bappi Da :-) & Dimple looks stunning.

What memories.

3033 : Raees Khan playing Hansdhuni

 I have been working for the past 2 hrs and I must have played Hansdhuni at least 10 times in that time.

This is my third post on this song.

What would I give to have been in the studio that day. 

Just listening to this on a good system gives goose pimples.

Also, what does this say about my taste in music :-)? 

Narrow band it is.

3032 : Cant help falling in love with you by UB40

 Blame it on my love of reggae.....but I have been humming this song for the best part of 2 weeks.

Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you?
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you

And today I played it at full blast. What joy !!

3031 : Aik Elif

jo na jane haq ki taqat

rab na deve usko himmat
jo na jane haq ki taqat
rab na deve usko himmat
hum man ke dariya me dube
hum man ke dariya me dube
kaisi naiya kya majhdhar

What lyrics for a day like today !!
You have to listen to believe that music can completely alter a mood.

Lines appear at 4:40

Saturday, December 12, 2020

3030 : Gulzar vs Ghalib

 I was talking to her, and told her that I love Gulzar more than Ghalib. And she said, 

"Hum ko tho malum hain janaat ki haqeeqat kya hain, magar dil ke rakhne ko, ghalib yeh khayal bhi achha hain.", and she twirled and posed a question with her nose? Almost asking me "can you beat that?"

I honestly told her, that unlike her, I was not well versed in hindustani and struggled with Ghalib, but Gulzar came more naturally to me. 

She said, "Toh seekh lo. I learnt reading urdu, just to read Ghalib in its pristine form."

I did not say anything, there was nothing to disagree. She was right. I had stopped learning urdu at 17, after almost learning it more than half way through.....and now I was a mess. Too old to learn. Too wasted to learn to love again.

I must have silent for a few seconds, when she barked, "Will you say something? Say something. Just speak innane stuff as you always do."

I said, "I agree" more to shut the conversation than anything. She realized that I had become introspective and she asked "Are you sure you are not lying, to just shut the chat?".

And I remembered a Gulzar poem  - "Kaun kehta hain hum jhooth nahin bolte. Ek Baar Khairiyat toh puch ke dikhiye."

3029: Raees Khan playing Hansdhuni (Hamsadhwani)

Nowadays every time I am low, which is often :-) :-) :-), I find myself reaching out to Hansdhuni by Raees Khan. 

Always gets my goose.

I close my eyes and listen to it. There is a story around that gesture. Here goes.

I used to own the soundtrack (background) for the movie Satya - directed by Ram Gopal Varma and music by Sandeep Chowta. The music, the titles for each of those pieces and the whole CD heard in order is ethereal.

I still own the soundtrack and still often play it.

And the reason I referenced it - in the sleeve RGV says - when he would evaluate music (background score) for his movies, he would listen to the whole movie with the score - with his eyes closed. His point was - his hearing experience was heightened. 

That tale had a huge impact on my 19-year-old self. I still often find myself listening to my favorite songs with my eyes closed.

3028: Patience by Guns N Roses

 I am whistling (and I am terrible at it) just like Axl Rose whistles in the song. (or attempting to be just like).

My daughter likes :-)

Thursday, December 10, 2020

3027 : Dance Dance (on Astad Deboo)

 Via Twitter, unknown authorship. Google search did not help.

Monday, December 07, 2020

3026 Have been struggling to read

Too much mindspace lost on the pursuit of being useless.
That's the post.

3025: Money Vs wealth Vs happiness

I was reading a bit of Naval Ravikant and he has his whole theory why money in itself can also be a good objective...since it buys you freedom. 
I agree... but I disagree.

I am beginning to see the futility of money when confronted with my own mortality.

It's a little lonely along this trajectory.....both along the fork of mortality or along the path where money stops mattering....

Is it my privelege? Now that I don't have to fight for my daily basics. 
Am I posturing?
Or as Naval puts it am I status signalling ?

One for the road. 

3024 : Take five by Dave Brubeck Quartet

 A whole host of us like Take Five - by Dave Brubeck Quartet. The song predates me and will long live after me.

Its a classic.

And then you listen to the same by the Sachal Ensemble Orchestra and its goose pimples :-) by the dozen :-).

Watch the second video :-) and smile the goofy smile we all smiled as kids.

3023 : Huff and Puff

 A few days ago I sat down and shared a smoke with an estranged friend. As the smoke wafted across the room, I could smell her in the smoke.

Ah....and that smelt like teen spirit :-)