2957 : Heart vs mind

 From Pico Iyer's Twitter...apt for a day like today.

“We are afraid,” Joseph Joubert pointed out, “of having and showing a small mind and we are not afraid of having and sharing a small heart.” Has the world got everything upside-down?

2956 Maine Rona Chor Diya from Coke Studio

 Am I the only one who loves this song....

Zeb, Haniya and Javed Bashir singing this song is a pure bliss of harmony. Its easily one of the best harmonies I have heard in recent years. Almost feels edited, especially the chords.

2955: I am becoming an image of someone I really know is anti-role model

 Now that calls for a wake up call.

2954 : I am struggling

I am working 60 hr weeks. Doing well at work.

But the sound around me is deafening. On a day like today, the news just shatters my peace. I am so conflicted. 

On another day, my domestic situation with my daughter or wife assails me (not always, but some rare days).

I cannot but put my best into my work. That defines me, is my pride, and keeps me sane.

But on a loud day like today, it's incredibly hard.

Its almost as if they demolished me, and then proceeded to cremate me. It's me they are after!!

2953 : Artists who move me

Artists like Jave Akhtar, Meena Kandaswamy, Arundhati Roy, TM Krishna move me immensely. I may often not agree with their views completely, but they give me goose pimples with their courage, conviction and the desire to leave a better place than they found it.

On the other hand - Pablo Neruda (who committed crimes himself) or the silent majority in art - make me think.....what is this world if we cannot stand up? What is art without a stand? What is art without pushing your boundaries?

My own limited blog and art....I try and push where it matters. Of course, I am such a tiny voice, I don't even make a small dent.

 Art is (should be) that which moves us (and the world around us).

2952 : What does fire remember?

 I love Meena Kandaswamy, and I love this poem even more

 

2951 : Mourn Raagam

A silent part of me mourns. Rape, dis-respect and rage. What have we become as a society?

2950 : Massively multiplayer game(s)

 I was talking to someone who thinks she is great at MMOG (massively multiplayer online games).....And that I of course massively suck at this genre.

As I took a step back, I realized that we are all in an MMOG as participants. Risk, timing, and our own effort guide so much of our outcomes. Lets call this MMOG "The Game of Life".

I have had more than my fair share of luck (fortuitous timing) and an even keen of atrocious mistakes and timing.

I have lost a great deal in this small life of mine.....and yet....I look back and recall (now with some wisdom), that there is very little I control other than my own effort. The rest depends on what the remaining 8 billion participants are doing in the MMOG.

And (reminding again) I massively suck at MMOG.

2949 : Garaj Baras

Listening to Ali Azmat and Rahat Fateh Ali Khan singing Garaj Baras on Coke Studio is so much maniacal, than the original.

Its such an addictive riffy song.

2948 : The vainglorious moon

 Imagine you are a werewolf. You have a strong relationship with the moon.

And yet, you find that on certain parts of a path, the moon constantly waxes, and at other parts of a journey, the moon constantly wanes.

The moon will wax and wane forever (not really, but from the werewolf's time perspective.....pretty much forever!!).

The werewolf loves the moon but despite that .....struggles with the wane journey. Wax everyone seems to like. How long before the animal brain wires itself to the pattern?

The entire world is a pattern, if you can abstract yourself at the correct levels, you can see the whole universe as an automata.

2947 : The Great Silence by Ted Chiang

Read a 15 page short work called the "The Great Silence" by Ted Chiang. I bought it out (my contribution to the universe), but you can read it free here.

Easily the one story that I liked the most. A bit like Rama from Arthur C Clarke.

But this one made me pause and think. Every word of it is correct. We need the "I love you" totally.

2946 : Reading List 2020 : #19: Ted Chiang's Stories of your life and others

I am just about to finish Ted Chiang's Stories of your life and others and this book is my find of the year. I just totally lapped into it. A bit like the Arthur C Clarke's book. This is genre wise sci-fi too.

The science is humbling. You always learn something - especially something that demonstrates to you that the human race is smaller than we think it is, and while it (the race) is currently significant, we shall possibly drive ourselves into obscurity.

The great filter, anyone?

The stories in this book don't specifically deal with some of the above themes, but they allude to them. There is no post-apocalyptic world here......there is the world here, now, in the future - but already apocalyptic in the future.

And each page makes you think. Think more about yourself and your relationship with the world around you, and that exploration in itself is worth the price of your time spent reading this.

Overall a 18/10 (as I always rate superlative books). Go for it.

At 333 pages brings my 2020 total to 5755. Images from electricliterature

2945 : As an investor I am so horribly wrong

 My cognitive biases are more amplified than probably normal.

I was always (and still am) bearish on uber. I always like Tesla, Swiggy. I was bearish Avenue Supermarkets (D-Mart), I was bearish White Hat Jr as an idea. 

I have missed so many easy to observe patterns and tricks. Older, wiser I can now see more.

But I have lost over 20 years of compounding time.

I feel very let down by my own lack of awareness (around my biases).

2944 : I am a net buyer of books (vs being a reader)

 I read about 25 books a year, vs I buy around 125 books (seriously) a year.

And this has been going on for over 20 years.

An yet, its possibly the best investment I ever made. Nothing calms me than opening the kindle and reading what suits my mood on that day.

2943 : Western vs Japanese Cars

 "Jaguar car names sound like rockets", notes Paul Beatty in The Sellout. "XJ-S, XJ8, E-Type. Honda cars sound like pacifists and humanitarian diplomats. The Accord, Civic, Insight."

From Pico Iyer's The Beginner's Guide to Japan

2942 : Reading list 2020: #18 Think like a Monk by Jay Shetty

 This is an easy read. I finished this book in about 3 days. You can race through it.

While it's easy and simple its a good ready reckoner for the "inward journey".

Definitely read it, if you don't read many such books in a year.

Overall 7/10.

At 352 pages brings my total reading for 2020 to 5423 pages.

Images from amazon.in and thenational.ie

2941 : Random trips

As I speak to the world around me, there is a part of me that never fails to notice, how much effort we expend on totally wasted and useless chats and pursuits. 

And I marvel at how much of the world - is just on a random walk into nothingness.

2940 : Everyone is meditating too (similar to hustling)

I met someone yesterday who is going to meditate 45 mins per day (sit down meditation using Nichiren Buddhism...chanting and focus). She thinks it will get her to a better place. I am sure it will help her. Its better than doing nothing.

It will definitely slow her down, which is great. It will give her a better perspective.

BUT....

Overall, what we meditate upon....is the key. I come from the J Krishnamurti school of life, which believes that formal meditation might mean nothing more than a few more minutes of slowing down....real mediation is increased awareness, is increased mindfulness, and absolutely knowing that some of what we do is hugely sub-optimal.

What have we become? We have converted our utmost personal inner journey into a public menace of palm slap :-)

2939 : Hustling (part 2)

Everyone is busy selling. Especially on linkedin. That includes me. Like I am an HBS Grad. Should that define me? Wondering.

Like everyone is a TEDX speaker, everyone is an angel investor, everyone is making social impact happen, everyone is talking about how to "become personally great"......

Get my drift?

What have we become? Palm Slap.

2938: Nytimes Vs other sources of news

 I was talking to a friend of mine...who said that "NYTimes is very old school" and blasse in the world of twitter and Instagram.

Somehow, to me, NYT represents the best in writing. Both in terms of style and editing. Content, of course, it always seems to trump (now that's a cool punch!!).

I would cry a lot on the day NYT dies, but not even notice if IG disappeared. On twitter, yeah, I would feel the pain.

2937 : Metoo and YouToo

 Someone I know and is dear to me was hit upon (in a sleazy way). Consensual flirting is ok, imposing oneself on others is not. Coming on too quick is not.

This is not the first time, someone close to me has been hit upon.

This is not the first time that MeToo sucks.  

Like one of my friends says, candlelight vigils, twitters trends mean only fk in this world. Till each of us does not make this world a safer better world for our own wives, daughters, mothers, and everyone (females are at higher risk), we won't make a dent.

Till each of us stops the WA message to a gym room buddy saying "look at 2 o clock....what boobs I say" - till we don't stop objectifying the other  - we won't make any dent at all. Nada. Zilch.

Should we credit the intelligent creator with creating this mess too? He is one helluva terrible programmer (and it has to be a he).

2936 : Desire vs happiness

 A friend of mine (Sachin) reminds in every single chat...that we (both) have....that reining in wants and desires is the only true path to salvation and peace. I could not agree more with him.

He is also one of the few people, who has truly achieved urban satori. The rest of us, just flit (and flirt) with desire.

I admire Sachin both as a friend and as a human, we need more of him, and less of "sliders" (previous post).

2935 : The sliding game

Convenience and desire is an absolutely sure way to keep moving (away from) the "values" in your life. Let me give an example - for most parts of my recent life - I like to be a vegetarian, but I eat eggs - and I justify it saying "eggs are sterile". I drink tea with milk, I eat cheese.....See the dissonance?

I eat fish oil Omega 3 regularly....and every single day....I tell myself I need it for my "weak" heart.

Get the drift?

Every time we dilute our values, we move the slider. The slider moves "me" away from an authentic value-driven life - leads to roots of unhappiness....and yet it moves me closer to power, wealth, and earthly goodness.

Very difficult choice....but I see the slider move every single day. And move away from my authentic values. 

We all choose whats "in it" for us. And that road is a valve. It does not allow backtrack :-).

2934 : What are we upto?

 I sit amongst so many hustle chats, and most chat I pretty much have with my friends seems to be "someone" or "they themselves" making it big.

This script has many potentially falterings. One it usually makes most of us (makes me definitely on certain weak days) feel very inadequate. 

Second, it also makes money the bellwether indicator of almost everything in life.

Third, and most importantly it makes all of us travelers, on the road to somewhere far, but most of us are walking the path between earth and the moon. Hard, difficult, and tiring....and to what point?

I had another hustle chat today. And I felt lonely, alone, and totally zoned out. I don't belong here.

I love my job, and I find immense meaning in what I do. I do love (and have immense gratitude) for the monies I have. Do I need more? A little more....but that's about it. I could conversely do with a little less too.

The hustle continues nevertheless.

2933 : I love my younger self

 15 years ago, I wrote with such brevity and economy. Today, I yearn for that internal silence.

Post from 15 years ago....here

My political leanings are apparent to see. 

2932 : What is the night?

 For the first time, he knew night for what it was; the shadow of the earth itself, cast against the sky.

From Ted Chiang's Stories of your life and others    

2931 : The more you open your eyes, the more you shall see

 Metaphorically, yes (I mean the title).

On a more serious note, the more you can open your mind to see through what "does not make sense", the more you shall see.

Like for example, I see no reason to support a ritualistic temple. No, it's not the liberal in me speaking. It's political too. We are not longer a political landscape (similar to 3000 years ago), which depends on pagan gods and rituals that help concentrate power. Today I live in an Instagram and meditation app age.

Why cant marriage rituals are visualized as an app that helps me follow through, instead of a class inducing process that recognizes a priest for what he is not....he is only human....probably more fallible than each of us.

The challenge though of opening your eyes (and assimilating) is - once you see, you cannot unsee. And that's the curse of these mild forms of satori. 

 

2930 : The science of being monkeys

 Just like crabs, monkeys are naturally inclined not to allow others to escape a cage, especially if trained so. Training usually happens by food....as an example stopping a supply of bananas for a whole two days (if even one monkey escapes).

We (monkeys) will pull at each other. Its a great ship as long as everyone drowns. The monkey who says that "lets form a chain and climb to the top, we can all get out", is ridiculed.

Where is the science in this? (Refer to the title of the post).

Aha.....my bad....here you go, here is a bunch of bananas, keep up the great work!!

2929 : Erik Satie always makes me meditative (Goldberg variations too)

 Very meditative. So does Goldberg variations. Should we allow for that?

To be meditative (in my book) is to be lost to the world around you. And our modern world, including friends and family dont appreciate it as much.

Wonder.

2928 : Barbs

 When two sides talk - and either side assumes any of that chat to be personal.....then peer trust was possibly lost quite some moons ago.

Let me give an example. When our kid tells us "you sucked at making paneer", we don't take it personally.....Most of us don't.

Then whyTF is a friend telling me "Amit you sucked at this call", a personal attack. But sometimes it does appear so. And I make it to be a much bigger issue than it ever was or will be. Its possibly my small-mindedness that makes a simple chat like this "personal" (Or I am HP :-), making chats personal again!!)

Even with our spouse. Like yesterday I was telling her something and she thinks I am making her feel like a zero.

Now unless I am a well-formed narcissist, and I mean to demean my partner, why would I do this? More importantly, how would I do this.

Of course....goes without say. I am a harsh friend, mentor, and father. My kid thinks I grew up in a Nazi school. I push him hard and make him feel like shit often. Just like a Zen master would. But the very next moment, I cook him his favorite paneer (not the one that sucked :-))....just like a zen master would.

I am a difficult person. Don't need to know that. And that reminds me more and more often. I need to go completely inwards. Completely silent. I have no business being a harsh father or partner, as my spouse often reminds me.

That's the post :-)

2927 : Politics

 Was talking to an old (in the sense we don't so frequently connect, but we still like talking and connecting with each other) friend of mine.

We both ended up talking around "state of politics" and I came up with a strange rabbit hole problem.....we both came to the conclusion that "nationalism" and how it is considered "anti-liberals".

We are both possible liberals (and both possible minorities), and we both came to realize that politics has become the politics of the pigeon hole.

We need to shift up (the discourse) else we are all losing the plot. Soon.

2926 : Its hard on your soul

 To find meaning in a broken relationship. 

It saps you out.

Good relationships focus on outcomes, and broken ones are the ones who felt dissonance with the outcomes. Once you have seen the dissonance, its very hard to unsee it.

Recovering or solving a relationship - never does work in the immediate term, and never without space.

The ones who recover from an estrangement (amongst blood), or in extreme cases remarrying (or living in again) are usually the ones who had the accidental foresight to completely walk away, then naturally, transform with years, and then come back to discover their own broken fitment/contribution to the "original" relationship. 

As an example, I estranged from my mom for some years, but some space and time allow both of us to heal - and today we value each other immensely. We have more unconditional love and care for the other.

Of course, time and space don't always heal. In some cases, we sometimes can never heal. And that is incredibly hard too.

2925 : Negative vote

 I have often wondered, why we are not allowed a negative vote (as an alternative to a negative vote).

So I can either vote for Modi (positive) or Uddhav (positive)....and the long list.

Or I can vote for one of them (from the list of candidates) negative.

And every negative vote - negates the other positive.

Should this note be a basic feature of democracy?

2924 : As an observer of human beings (and as a Buddhist)....I see two distinct types of humans

The first type will externalize every problem. Their fort never had windows. Ever. They will vandalize, scream, tear your skin apart. Recognize these types as politicians, successful capitalists, over-achievers. These are alpha human beings.

The second type will internalize every problem. They will look within and search for answers. They will assume the world is ever as inefficient as before, they will improve their own fold and the world around them. Recognize these as spiritual atheists, writers, poets....and sometimes benevolent leaders.

Neither of them is better, Both of them affect change in this world. Though the first one does it on a large scale.

Remember what is at stake between the two - the currency in this transaction is awareness, more importantly, self-awareness. Also whats at stake is what you want to be when you are dying. A brooding angst-ridden man, or a man who assimilated life around him. If you can remind these aspects to yourself, you will always choose the correct side, in your everyday

2923 : Come as you are

Accepting another person as they are is another incredibly hard thing to do.

I hate conflict and I hate confrontation. Solves nothing ever. And my bigger fear if I unleash my inner demon, which today I keep completely tamed, I shall eat the neighbor and the entire forest too.

Deep breath. Lets the best of the world kiss me. 

Thats the rambling post.

2922 : Its hard

Its hard to cut lose any which ways.

Its harder when its messier. Like when two friends exchange barbs. 

And I have had my share for 2020 :-)

And its incredibly hard.

2921 : The fall of an empire

I have been accused of many failures in my life span. Like as a child I was accused of stealing (and I had stolen). I have seen enough shit (as any adult should) - so I have been accused of a host of culpabilities, including infidelity (what?? we have a normal marriage curve....trust sometimes breaks down).

And then..... today....a dear friend of mine accused me of being disingenuous. That hurt quite a bit. Its like hockey stick punches into your ribs (I know what that feels like). 

I recoiled....both aghast and hurt. But...... I am a Buddhist. I staunchly maintain that if someone feels that "I cheated" or "I am disingenuous" or "I am incompetent", then it really must be so. Reality lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Its a strange day. The hurt singes. And the river flows. And tomorrow the sun shall rise. 

Shine on your crazy diamond :-)

2920 : Never agreed with Milton Friedman on this....(shareholder wins vs stakeholder loses debate)

Read this here

This drive for shareholder value is where capitalism lost its plot.

2919 : Listening to Us and Them by Pink Floyd

And never has it has been so peaceful in the entire week. 

There is such a magic in Pink Floyd.

Wine, Ciggies (or any smoke that gets your goose) and Floyd....and I can spend an entire week with my favorite friends.

What could life be, and unfortunately what I have made it to be.

The next up the spotify queue us "Run Like Hell" and you know.....that will shake the walls down.

2918 : Conundrum

 "Do the end of desires make us vulnerable?" she wondered. "Ambitions keep our body and mind agile, but weigh heavily on the soul."

From Boons and Curses by Yugal Joshi

I like this quote. Something I have meditated on infinitely. Over years I have seen my desires wane.....and I can see that waning at the cost of vulnerability. While you are in this game called "life", is vulnerability of lack of ambition (not yet in me, but....) could these be the death knell. 

Wonder.

2917 : On a day like today....

 I wonder how a country of a billion bays for the blood of media trial participants. I don't know (or have a way to know if Rhea is innocent), but I do know that a society that can treat their women like this - it's no surprise that we such abysmal levels of peace and happiness.

In terms of maturity and evolution, we have as much maturity as a gorilla who has been caged all his life and is just hitting puberty - get the drift - we are bloodthirsty, always angry, and always externalizing our own angst. 

I am also widely disturbed by the naked politics of our world today. rigged Mail-in ballots, trial by media, racial bigotry by religion(s) and race lines - and all of this being practiced by the largest democratic institutions in the world - not by some fringe extremist nutters. 

1984 missed its arrow by 36 years, but also underestimated the horrors by a factor of 10x. Feedback for your dear Mr. Orwell.

2916 : GPT3 at work

 I have a deep interest in science and even deeper interest in AI/ML.

This one is an op-ed (and in Gaurdian) that is written by GPT 3.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/sep/08/robot-wrote-this-article-gpt-3

At one level this is so exciting.

At another its damn outright scary. This article was written completely by a machine based on a small brief.

2915 : Must have posted many times on this....Radiohead's Creep

I don't care if it hurts

I want to control

I want to have a perfect body

I want to have a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I am not around

You are so fcking special

I wish I was special

Magical lyrics....never fails to get my goose.

2914 : Oasis' Wonderwall

If you have loved the Oasis' version. Its hard to not love it.

Then you listen to Vishal Dadlani sing it, and you realize that grunge takes on another meaning all together. The raw visceral energy throws you over. Reminds me (for some reason) of Eddie Vedder singing Alive live at the moore theatre (another classic.)

I wish I could sing Wonderwall to a few estranged folks in my life.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now

Backbeat, the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how

2913 : Rage 2

Rage is usually altering and searing for me. Like today "someone" had moved some of my personal effects. It bothered me, not because they were mine, but rather they were important documents. 

Something in me snapped. I no longer want to be attached to my "important" documents. I will never ever be able to be speak about these again. I want to be able to give up these "attachments". Something in me switches. 

Its almost like you can't unsee the worst of you. Once you have seen the worst of yourself - you are stuck....that new low is the new baseline.

Like I have this practice of hugging my dear ones and telling them that they "mean a lot to me". One day,someone told me that I possibly don't mean any of it - and was possibly correct. It was like a Zen Koan moment for me. In that moment I had clarity. This was many many moons ago. That day something snapped. I saw the Zen truth in what the other person was telling me.

Its many years, and till today I cannot tell others that I "love them" or "care for them" with a hand on heart. I just cannot. I cannot unsee that possibly I have little or no follow through.

I snap and I can never join again. Broken litter.

2912 : Rage

Rage is a strange emotion. It can sear you from the inside. Rage for me is usually pent up, as in I do nothing, but mentally go silent......and then tear my internal world apart.

And every single time I have rage, I struggle. I also realise what a weak human being I actually am.

Also there is an immense seaful of desire to go completely silent (externally too). Wont make an ounce of difference in this broken world.

I have destroyed to splinters the world around me.

Thats the post.

2911 : Aaj Jane Ki Zidd na Karo (and when your heart flutters)

Listening to an older and frail Farida Khaum croon makes your heart flutter. Did that to me. You can still see that her spirit soars way above her voice and her lungs. And its this spirit and the beauty of flight that makes this life worth it.

And the way she still hits the right notes, is goose pimples moments. 

She sings in Coke Studio in 2018, when she was 89......and at 89 she sings like God would.

Something about the performance definitely flutters my heart.

Want to listen to Lata Didi too? Please. Would give anything for that.

2910 : Sar Kiye Pahar - a classic worth growing up

 I have been listening to the Strings Classic for the past 28 years and not once have I felt older. It feels like yesterday when I discovered strings.

Listening to them on Coke Studio sing a percusssion heavy version, makes me go just as soft as it was 28 years ago.

Take a bow :-) Bilal and Faisal. Your music has always given me hope.

2909 : Top 100 Asians as dog trainers

 "In 1999, I sought the man said to have invented Karaoke, to tell him that my editors at Time have chosen him as one of the "100 Asians of the Century". He handed me in response a business card, advertising his services as a dog trainer."

From Beginner's Guide to Japan, by Pico Iyer

2908 : What is the opposite of truth ?

 "The opposite of a great truth is also truth."

Inspired by the great Zen temples of Kyoto. From Pico Iyer's Beginner's Guide to Japan.

2907 : Reading list 2020: #17: Beginner's guide to Japan by Pico Iyer

Easily one of the best books I have read in my life.

And easily one of my favorite authors (how I have serenaded from Rushdie to Pico Iyer types....growing older anyone?)

Fantastic book.....18/10 :-) as I always rate great books.

At 288 pages brings my 2020 reading list to 5081 pages.

2906 : Reading List 2020 : #16 : Midnight at Chernobyl by Adam Higginbotham

 A brilliant read. Not only surfaces the tragedy but also was massively educational as a science book. I never knew so much about nuclear reactors or even nuclear fission.

A very difficult read especially in terms of squirming your gut. Reading it almost made me cry.

At 519 pages brings my 2020 reading total to 4793 pages.

Definitely a 10/10 read.

Go for it, as long you have a strong heart.

2905 : Reading List 2020 : #15: Zen Bridge by Keido Fukushima

 Finished this gem of a little book.

Very nice read. Gave me immense peace reading this book. Totally worth it. Definitely, one to re-read every year. A fantastic read. 10 on 10.

At 208 pages brings my 2020 reading total to 4272 pages.

Images from goodread and wikipedia.

2904 : The tiger who mews 2

The past 4 years have been humbling. Its ego crushing to know that everything you fought for/aspired for, means nothing in some other context.

On a related note, was reading a book around Chernobyl and in its last chapter, it details the fate of the powerful and the mighty, in the years post the disaster......and each of the individuals died a simple and at times humbling death.

What constitutes our ego? What constitutes me being special?

Does it really make a difference to this world that I was a rockstar in Wall Street (still my ego talking.....see the pull is so luring....right?)

2903:The tiger who mews

I left Wall Street 4 years ago. Hugely successful and with a distinct chip on my shoulder.

Even in the first few months just after, I believed and assumed that everything I touch will become gold. 

Its taken 4+ years of deep down introspection - to tell me how little I know of the world around me. Digital marketing, product development, statistics and analytics, understanding a real business.......each of these have been a revelation. 

While I have done/helped/been part of startups, nothing prepares you to acknowledge your own lack of depth - except experientially you jumping into the pool.

And then bleddy realise that the pool is still sterile (and you are already struggling). There is an ocean out there....In the ocean, the tiger's stripes are worth nothing. The shark's incisors rule that part of the planet.

2902 : Baat ab tak bani huyi hain....

From an atheist like me, I still love these lines.

Yeh sab tumhara karam hain aaqa,

Ke Baat ab tak bani huyi hain 

(Its just down to your benevolence, that I still keep going).

From Aaqa by Abida Parveen