Friday, December 06, 2019

2670: I am not the man I am

Sometimes, and I don't mean it (the “sometimes”) as deprecation, but sometimes....actually no, maybe often, I feel completely out of place. As in, almost like an out of body experience.

“I dont belong here”. And I dont in those moments. I am sitting with a bunch of people, wondering, why am I here? And more so, why I am being someone I absolutely am not. Someone who does look like me, think like me, or talk like me.

I am at these points trying to be someone who I am absolutely not.

Is that often? Is it good to be a fake? Don’t feel proud of it.

I feel shabby, empty and deeply hollow when I recognise these moments.

Is there a way to improve on this?

Yes. My answer is yes. Go silent. Go inwards and in those murky depths, I shall see, “I am not who I am trying to be.”

The insincerity of my own personality, and my cognition of it, leaves me lost. No personal compass. No personal north. Just a unhinged free fall.

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