Saturday, October 03, 2015

2252 : Killing oneself

Killing oneself (or suicide) fascinates most of us...and that includes me.

I have known folks who have willed themselves to death, by devices like slow starvation, or by avoiding life criticial medicines. I have also known folks who have decided to withdraw from the real world, almost like a modern version of sanyas...which is kind of similar to dying.

I dont know whether knowing these folks has helped me understand life better or has further complicated my perspective on life.

I recently spoke to someone who told me that she was contemplating death. Being the "cool bloke" that I am, I decided that talking was going to help.

I suggested to her that we have a talk, a la unstructured conversation...and we ended up talking for over 3 hrs over 2 days.

While she spoke about the whole world and their aunts, if I were to pick on big themes in her conversation - they were
1) Isolation : A complete sense of being different and not included in the world that surrounded her.
2) Loneliness : Possible connected to the above, but also different from the above. This one contains the seeds of having no walls to bounce off, of having to feel like you are all alone in this game.
3) Ground beneath her feet : She did feel like she was not able to hold onto the ground that mattered to her. She was losing inches, and she felt as if she was losing the entire ground.

My only real help was to listen to her and it managed to do the trick. She was obviously depressed, she was obviously not ready to come out of the closet yet....and yet she was more alive in my eyes than the average.

Her grief in the world arose because she measured her life on a higher pedestal than the median.

In as subtle a way (at the risk of sounding pedantic) I told her that "personal greatness" is very different from what is considered as "greatness" by the rest of the world. That she must define her own roadmap and like a warrior, she must fight - because thats what our DNA is hardwired to do. Replicate, live, and survive.

Talking to her left me immensely humbled and maybe a wee bit wizened.

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