Monday, March 30, 2009

Post 582 : GoPutra have some GoMutra!!

(At the outset, I want to set the context – ridiculing a belief system is far from my idea here, but what I am finding funny is the way it is being marketed. The belief itself – I am more than willing to completely respect. Lets leave each to their own “pee”ace.)

From reproduced below for easier reading.

A cow for Mr. Praskash by S Jayasankaran

IT is the Year of the Ox so what does a right wing, nationalist Hindu movement in India do?
It’s going to come out with a soda made out of cow urine. Being the peerless marketers that they were, they knew, with an instinctive flash of clarity, that it was the drink the world had been eagerly waiting for.

Pepsi lacked zip and Coke wasn’t the real thing so a unit called – what else? – the Cow Protection Department of India’s biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group has decided to come out with a bovine brew that will, apparently, hit the spot.

Om Prakash, the head of the department, said the drink – called gau jal meaning “cow water” in Sanskrit – was undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched “very soon, maybe by the end of this year”, adding helpfully, “don’t worry, it won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too.”

Mr Prakash thought he’d been a rocket scientist in his previous life and all the evidence regarding his present existence seemed to corroborate the thought.

He knew that cow urine was the answer to life’s problems because he mistrusted modern medicine. There was no doubt about it, he often thought to himself when he wasn’t being a rocket scientist, because there was something distinctly unnerving about any doctor who called his clinic “a practice”.

Cow urine was no bull because it represented globalisation, a New World Odour that had everything to do with robust good health, a spring in one’s step, and halitosis. The latter symptom was regrettable, Mr Prakash said apologetically, but they were still working on it.
It was sort of, like, swimming, reasoned the ex-rocket scientist learnedly. “If swimming was supposed to be so good for you,” argued Mr Prakash, “how come whales look they way they do?”

It was a crisp and succinct question that floored every listener and they wondered how come more Hindu nationalists weren’t happy when ignorance was bliss. But the newly reincarnated ex-rocket scientist had another excellent question from where the first one had come.

“What was the best thing before sliced bread?”

It was a deeply insightful inquiry which pleased supporters of cow urine the world over. The trio danced a jig and lit a candle to the memory of Morarji Desai who was Prime Minister of India in the late 1970s and was largely notable for extolling the virtues of drinking his own urine which he did on a daily basis.

Although most thought his stewardship of the Indian economy was piss-poor, Mr Desai did live to a ripe old age of 92 which may have gone a long way in explaining how with diet, exercise and a daily dose of urine, everyone could live to the end of their natural lifetimes.

Mr Prakash thought that Mr Desai was admirable but felt that bovine waste was a better lifestyle choice. He knew perfectly well it could cure most conditions including insomnia for which the only cure was more sleep. It was apparent that he was bright until you heard him speak which only went to prove that light travelled faster than sound.

Coca-Cola and Pepsi were awaiting the new invention with bated breath but Mr Prakash remained coy. He knew he had to keep it a secret and he knew he could keep a secret but he didn’t trust those he told it to.

But he believed in giving good advice as he wasn’t using it anyway. “Thou shall not weigh more than your refrigerator.” he told his disciples, all three of whom immediately prayed that if they couldn’t be skinny, they wanted all their friends to be fat.

The freshly minted ex-rocket scientist was expected to unveil his invention soon but he kept changing his mind. “To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question,” he mused to himself. “Or is it?” He knew that indecision was the key to flexibility.

● S. Jayasankaran is the bureau chief of Singapore’s Business Times and can be contacted at

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